For those who came in late...

http://mummameme.blogspot.com.au/2010_01_01_archive.html After the last post, I thought it may be handy to have a link back to the auspicious beginnings of my solo mumma blogging. Post one at the link...and a few more over on that address :)

The Tail

I started blogging once upon a time, thinking my voice could be added to the channel, the wide river, the raging torrent, that is the blogoshpere. I've never found my own tributary, but I can play pooh sticks with myself. Posting in my quiet mind, if not online, and savouring the times I log in and speak 'out loud' in this hall of echoes. My original idea was that this was my place to discuss being a studying single mumma. What I didn't factor in was that the hard grind of that pulled me away from friviolities like blog posts. At best online pursuits became a procrastination, and at worst a mind numbing addiction. What I mean is, I didn't do anything worth while with blogging. I did not share hints or tips. I did not even really learn how to share myself. and my own journey. It is less a measured recollection than it is an online jump of fits and spurts of times when assignments were due or I otherwise managed to think of blogging. This time I am at the tail end while I sit here in procrastination. I am still eating the elephant. and it is tasting as you imagine an elephant would, all chewy gristle and laboured swallowings. I'm not sure if I have learnt anything something, along the way. I am still terrified. I am still coming head to head with who I am, my own shortcomings and the way they hobble me, so sometimes I crawl instead of walking or walk instead of running. My big tips regarding study would be go slowly, but do not stop. Failure is not failure, it is feedback. Similarly mistakes can be embraced, they can be learnt from and they do not speak about you as a person. Breathe, Just Breathe. Break the elephant down into its parts, today the nose, tomorrow the tail - if all you can manage is a tiny elephant whisker, do that and celebrate that added whisker. As for family. I"m working on that. My family has suffered in some ways through this journey. Man is not an island and indeed studying mothers are probably even less suited to being a lone outcrop in wild seas - although it can feel like this is your position. (kudos if you do not - I certainly did many times). I will be grateful for so many things that have added to my family being in such good shape. the help of friends and family for juggling schedules. The available childcare services. The financial support that allowed me to survive without the added stress of a job outside the home. Mother's little helpers like the dryer. in my time at uni I developed a fitness plan for almost an entire year that kept me same and healthy for that time. I also need to give special mention to a part of the journey that I may never have spoken about, my decision to drop back on some subjects and see my GP about anti depressant medication. Alongside some therapy this was something that really got me through a rough patch where I felt I had little options. I'm not done yet and it occurs as I type that this sounds like the ending speech. I'm terrified of starting the tail ( did I mention that?!). One big fear for me is the fear of giving up. I'm so close that the real probability of falling before the last hurdle looms. I don't know how to avoid the fear that something will go wrong. I suppose looking back and seeing how far I have come counts for something at this point...I suppose this long blog post has held me back from the first bite for long enough. 'how do you eat an elephant? - One bite at a time'. Here I come tail...