For those who came in late...

http://mummameme.blogspot.com.au/2010_01_01_archive.html After the last post, I thought it may be handy to have a link back to the auspicious beginnings of my solo mumma blogging. Post one at the link...and a few more over on that address :)

The Tail

I started blogging once upon a time, thinking my voice could be added to the channel, the wide river, the raging torrent, that is the blogoshpere. I've never found my own tributary, but I can play pooh sticks with myself. Posting in my quiet mind, if not online, and savouring the times I log in and speak 'out loud' in this hall of echoes. My original idea was that this was my place to discuss being a studying single mumma. What I didn't factor in was that the hard grind of that pulled me away from friviolities like blog posts. At best online pursuits became a procrastination, and at worst a mind numbing addiction. What I mean is, I didn't do anything worth while with blogging. I did not share hints or tips. I did not even really learn how to share myself. and my own journey. It is less a measured recollection than it is an online jump of fits and spurts of times when assignments were due or I otherwise managed to think of blogging. This time I am at the tail end while I sit here in procrastination. I am still eating the elephant. and it is tasting as you imagine an elephant would, all chewy gristle and laboured swallowings. I'm not sure if I have learnt anything something, along the way. I am still terrified. I am still coming head to head with who I am, my own shortcomings and the way they hobble me, so sometimes I crawl instead of walking or walk instead of running. My big tips regarding study would be go slowly, but do not stop. Failure is not failure, it is feedback. Similarly mistakes can be embraced, they can be learnt from and they do not speak about you as a person. Breathe, Just Breathe. Break the elephant down into its parts, today the nose, tomorrow the tail - if all you can manage is a tiny elephant whisker, do that and celebrate that added whisker. As for family. I"m working on that. My family has suffered in some ways through this journey. Man is not an island and indeed studying mothers are probably even less suited to being a lone outcrop in wild seas - although it can feel like this is your position. (kudos if you do not - I certainly did many times). I will be grateful for so many things that have added to my family being in such good shape. the help of friends and family for juggling schedules. The available childcare services. The financial support that allowed me to survive without the added stress of a job outside the home. Mother's little helpers like the dryer. in my time at uni I developed a fitness plan for almost an entire year that kept me same and healthy for that time. I also need to give special mention to a part of the journey that I may never have spoken about, my decision to drop back on some subjects and see my GP about anti depressant medication. Alongside some therapy this was something that really got me through a rough patch where I felt I had little options. I'm not done yet and it occurs as I type that this sounds like the ending speech. I'm terrified of starting the tail ( did I mention that?!). One big fear for me is the fear of giving up. I'm so close that the real probability of falling before the last hurdle looms. I don't know how to avoid the fear that something will go wrong. I suppose looking back and seeing how far I have come counts for something at this point...I suppose this long blog post has held me back from the first bite for long enough. 'how do you eat an elephant? - One bite at a time'. Here I come tail...

organise the shit outta your life

I'm on an organising jag. Not out of place in blog land at all but sigh- so actually overwhelming in real life. I'm reading a million books, blogs and addicted to pinterest which makes it all look fun, cute, and um, expensive! ( matching storage solutions surely don't come cheap). I love the books that encourage me to monetise my organising ( or should that be moneyise? ) whatev's a garage sale, gumtree, ebay - make cash for those new matching baskets...but so far I am finding that the pile of growing sellables is looking more like a pile of 'I just can't be fucked, op shop instead' . I've just about finished clearing out my wardrobe. As is typical of me I still own many frocks that don't fit me and I will never wear but as any good organiser worth their salt will tell you you have to "love it" and I actually do love some of them too much to part with - either that or a cbf trying to find them a home they deserve ( see above). Interestingly I did manage to pull out about 5 garbage bags full of other stuff that did not meet the love it/use it category. Also I happened to find the most ginormous spider behind my bag/spare towel storage on the top shelf. This has caused an organising dilemma...ok, that is an exaggeration. What it has caused is me to slow down ( avoid) going into the wardrobe. I think this is a positive. Now that the space is 'organised' I will never use it again and therefore it will be allowed to stay in pristine condition giving me years of joy. So what if I have to wear these tracksuit pants (already stained) and t-shirt for the rest of my days...I did mention it was a HUGE spider!!

For what it is worth...an update!

My third attempt at blogging has now begun. Enforced by the university book learning stuff I do. It is a reminder that I have always wanted to blog and yet I rarely do.
So an update from me is to be made, but what to say now that I have a 'proper' uni blog happening and unsure if that will filter uni peeps over here to my more personal musings.
Here it is... I am still studying, and still mothering. My puppy has grown and despite my initial reservations about getting her actually clipped to show off her poodleness, she does now sport poodle bows on occasion.

I am still a procrastinator extraordinaire who had to allow the computer to even spell that word for me...

and I have decided that the ellipses (?)is my favourite punctuation mark this year. It allows me to express the way my mind wanders off...

ho hum study on a Saturday

So for the sake of science....or at least for the sake of trying to become a preservice teacher with a lot more of a handle on web tools than what I have previously had I am joining the twitterverse. Right now as a matter of fact, while I write this post.



and I have also been studying today. for many hours. In the library. which incidentally seemed to be full of very attractive men. So it's been an exciting day :) even though I found my study mind numbingly boring today. Not sure why. It seems really really hard this term.

Provide shelter, give comfort, a single parent duality.

So, I should be doing other things. And as I write this entry, I have no clear plan or idea of what exactly I want to share out here in blog land about this day and my place in it as a studying single mother.
But wait - I do know, there are 2 things on my mind. The role of being a provider for my family and the role of being a nurturer for my family, and how to combine these roles in some way to feel good about how I am fulfilling them for my children.
That is a question for me at the moment and I don't have an answer. Unless the answer is , it takes a village to raise a child. The only way I can feel my children are being provided for well enough is to accept that that for us is accepting the heavenly manner manna that falls from the sky - or in our case, from centrelink begrudgingly, and similarly accept that my mother, my neighbour, my children's teachers, sports coaches and the like, are hopefully nurturing my children enough in times I can't.

Meanwhile, I am trying to nurture myself and provide for myself desperately trying to catch up on all of this that I feel I needed to do before I had my children (ah , hindsight you nasty friend!).

So the dual roles I feel I wear in my family, and that it has just occurred to me I am applying to myself retrospectively.
I am sure I am not the only parent who goes through this juggle, I imagine most single parents would also feel this pressure to provide both some sort of family security that seems to tear them away from the day to day childcare needs and also to be there closely involved in the every day childcare needs of children.

I also don't think I am the only needy adult in the world, who is still trying to become 'whole' in an effort to be able to be enough to shelter and support the next generation.

I am though, the only adult in this house - so I share my musings with the internet world in a search for adult ears.

T.I.R.E.D.

I am so tired that it took me a few goes just to get the title all in capital letters. I cannot co ordinate my fingers and my brain.
I am so tired I managed to totally muck up depressing the plunger on my french press this morning and spurted a wave of grainey coffee all over the kitchen.
I am so tired I managed to miss a direct debit of fifty bucks a month coming out of my bank account from a company that no longer provides me a service.
I am so tired.
But let's get on with things.